Family Fun/Family Fun.iso/joke1/zerro1_5/zerro4.doc

Text File | 1990-01-14 | 10KB | 238 lines

                Zerro Can't Quit
                Fourth Installment


The Goldfish:  Can You Read This Stuff?

ABCD Goldfish
LMON Goldfish
OSAR2
OSICD Goldfish
            Free Translation:
                    Abie, see the goldfish.
                    Hell, them ain't no goldfish.
                    Oh yes they are too.
                    Oh yes, I see the goldfish.

Oh, yes, you know why fish are always weighing themselves?  Because they
carry their scales with them.  (Oh my, so early on I did this, sorry, just
terribly, this was downright bloody awful, sorry, really, apologies).

I am sure you have heard of the tongue tied person who never washed their
clothes out of doors because they always wanted to wish their clothes in TIDE.
(There is nothing like good CLEAN humor!)

Ok, one more of these things is about all I can stand, but by popular demand:

The Ducks: Can You Read This Stuff?

MR DUCKS
NOMAINT
AR2 CM WANGS
LIB. MR DUCKS.

            Free Translation:
                    Them are ducks.
                    No them ain't
                    They are too. See Them Wings
                    Well, I be. Them are ducks..

Now you see why I don't want to do more of these.  The fowl nature of the
whole works comes to your attention.  (Oh no, am I doing it again?)

Those television real estate sales seminars are interesting.  I heard of one
person who didn't spend a dime but nearly owns New Jersey.  Of course, the
real money is made selling tapes about how to buy New Jersey without money.
The big question is, why would anyone want to own New Jersey in the first
place?

Oliver North is a prolific producer of terminological inexactitudes.

It is not considered a good omen if, after inspecting your plumbing problem,
the plumber asks if you own your own home, free and clear.

If apathy doesn't bother me, I won't bother it.
(2)
If you wait long enough, everything will come to you.  It's called hash.

The person who hesitates ends up at the end of the line.

Don't say no to indifference, just ignore it and it will go away.

Graffiti is a language people who use public places seem to speak.

Anyone can write on the walls but it takes inventiveness to skywrite with
an air hose.

I am not paranoid, but I think that most everyone else is.

If you collect the chronically stupefied and encourage them toward collective
bewilderment, and then ask them to formulate a statement, you have the basic
elements of a very productive committee.

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail and the more of it you do,
the better your chances are.  On the other hand, if you don't, you won't,
and it will be successful.  (I just wish I know what the hell I was talking
about here!)

Vice President Dan Quayle says he loves to travel to Africa and wants to
see the Amazon River when he is there.  He is planning to do these things
the next time he is invited to Toronto.

If it isn't what you thought it was, it is likely not going to be what you
think you are going to make it be.

I only wish that I were what I was when I wished that I would be what I
am now.

Often enough, television is just one vacuum tube watching another.

If you don't know what you want, go to an antique shop - they've got it.

The priest at Mass said he was not offended that some were looking at their
watches, but he did become a little upset which some put their watch up to
their ear to see if it was still running.

You have not made the best impression when the funeral director invites you
to come to a wake, so that the feeling of grief may be augmented.

Childhood is a glorious time. You can lose weight simply by taking a bath.

Artificial insemination: Copulation without representation.

If you want to be popular, ask a lot of people for advice. If you want to
be wise, ignore the advice.

Televangelist: A person in contact with God, but upset with God because
God does not listen and straighten things out.

(3)

Those commercials about weight loss you see on television must be true. I
heard about one lady who lost 187 pounds of ugly fat.  How long did it take?
Well, the divorce was finalized just two days before the program.

The one most important rule for writers is to be sure to reread anything they
have written to be sure that they have not by accident a word out.

If you feel bad because you feel good and know that you will feel worse if
you feel better, you are fairly well sure you are a hypochondriac.  If you
feel good because you feel bad and know you will feel better if you feel
worse, you are a  cairdnohcopyh, because you are doing things backwards.

Old Time Movie Plot: Boy meets girl.  Boy loses girl.  Boy finds girl once
more and marries girl and they live happily everafter.
Science Fiction Movie Plot: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy builds girl.
Current Movie Plot: Boy meets boy. Boy loses boy. Boy finds another boy.
Chase takes forty minutes, dialogue six, and gun shots fill in void.
Hot New Item:  Boy meets girl, they belong to different gangs, war breaks
out.

The last time I went to a theater, I saw the movie under the worst possible
conditions - the film was running.  It's one of those few times I really
did envy my feet - they were asleep.

Back again by public demand ( and a government postcard):

Seville - Can You Read This Stuff?

SEVILLE DARE DAGO
TOUSAN BUSES INARO
NOJO DEMIS TRUX
SUMMIT COWSIN SUMMIT DUX
DA COWS GOTNO WANGS
DUX UDRLESS RDENOT?

                    Free Translation:
                        See, Bill, There They Go
                         A Thousand Buses in a row.
                        No Joe, Them is Trucks.
                        Some with cows in, some with ducks.
                        The cows got no wings.
                        The ducks are udderless, are they not?

One thing can be said for these things.  They don't gotta make sense...

Just in: Pope Jerry Falwell V has canonized Oliver North as the First North
American Saint of the Independent Baptist Church!  When it was pointed out to
the Pope that Saint Oliver may have told a few lies, the Pope said that nobody
is perfect.  Martyrdom next, stay tuned.



(4)
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of
Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and
thus will not be meeting until the first time.  Their Premeeting Statement
wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it
would not be uncertain or confusing.  So their first meeting will actually be
their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.
This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is
held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what
they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
This sounds like a perfect forum for yet another speech by Vice President
Dan Quayle...

How does Dr. Ruth actually know when she is getting an obscene phone call?

The most recent pool shows that 74% of the voters think that 86% of the polls
are inaccurate 59% of the time - plus or minus three percentage points.

The Normal City Council Meeting: A man stands up and says nothing, but it
takes a long time.  Nobody listens to what he says and no one pays any
attention to him. When he sits down, everyone disagrees with what he said.
At the height of the confusion, a vote is taken and an ordinance is passed.

Those who attend professional football games in the future may expect this
announcement: "Working today's game will be one referee, a head linesman, and
two officers from the Narcotics Division."

All things come to those...who get on a mailing list.

Three important words of advice to be remembered - Don't give any!

Main problem with today's youth - only kids have it.

Between lost baggage and canceled flights, and connections made on the run,
one wonders how they arrived at the phrase "getting there is half the fun."

As I have said often enough before, I never repeat myself, and so it almost
goes without saying that I won't repeat myself again.

You know your child is not too smart when during the school period, roll
call is taken and the child is stuck for an answer.

We could easily stop a whole lot of illegal immigration into this country,
simply by putting out for all to see on a fence post the common ordinary
IRS Form 1040.

You know you are not on a first name basis with the organizers when you
receive your mail from Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes and the letter
begins; "Dear Mr. Scumbag."

In some circles, "666" has a bad connotation.  For example, take the name of
Ronald Wilson Reagan.  It equals 666!  Won the Presidency with the slogan:
"Let me sleep in the Whitehouse. Everyone's got to sleep somewhere."

(5)

Previously Unwritten Rule Department:  That road which is the sole road which
leads to the greatest tourist attraction in the area can only be repaired
during the busiest three weeks of the entire tourist season.  Repairs are to
be done in such a manner that the maximum amount of time is required to cover
the minimum amount of distance.  Slow moving vehicles shall be deployed to
best advantage to slow traffic in both directions simultaneously at all points
of repair.  A minimum of one person per repair mile shall be employed to
engage in sun-bath work and no other.  Two others, by the same ratio, shall
be employed to watch for anyone riding on square wheels, which shall be duly
reported at the end of the month to the contractor.  On days which precede and
follow national holidays, at least two vehicles shall be used to break down,
so that traffic comes to a complete standstill for as long as possible.

Ok Ok already, Dan Quayle knows he made a mistake.  He knows, now at least,
that the Amazon River isn't in Africa.  So he is not going there anyway. He
has changed plans.  He is going to South America and view the Nile.  He wants
the people of South America to know how interested in them he really is, and
he is sure he will enjoy visiting Nepal...